....SIGH...

That, my friends was a sigh of relief, frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, anxiety, fear, happiness, peace, elation, joy, satisfaction, expectation... you all get the hint.

Well I guess the title of his post lets you know how HE feels and probably alot of other men who are enGAGed! ;) (just kiddin babe, sort of)
I have TONS to blog about. And most of it will NEVER get blogged. Why, you ask? Because most of it is non of your business. And alot of it needs to be discussed with the man.

As far as our 3 weeks together... it was a much needed visit. I learned what I can live with and what I'm not willing to live with.

'Donis is right about us being pro's and being individuals. I've been told I'm the most comfortable single person people know. ...SIGH.... it's true. I don't feel the need to get married. When I get married it will because I want to be married. Because I have found someone who builds me up and has my back and I know it and feel it 100%. It will be because I've found someone I feel I can live with AND I can't live without. (yeah it's a rant but it's MY rant)

So I've been home 2 days and I've been on the go since I've been home. In reality I'm not even home I'm at parent's week at Utah State University being dorm mom.(yeah was home less than 24 hours then on the road again) I LOVE IT!

K so I haven't had the time to decompress and sit down and think about the visit as a whole. But when I do get home (tomorrow night) and rest up some (monday, prolly tuesday too) I'll sit down and tap into how I really feel about our time together.
Is it wrong for a part of me to think of it in terms of:
"what can being together add to my life that I can't or haven't accomplish being single?"

"am I going 2 steps backwards and 4 steps forward or 20 steps back wards and 14 steps forwards?"

"Do I feel and can I see where I've made a difference in his life for the better?"
Do I feel and can I see where he's made a difference in MY life for the better?"
"Am I missing something in my without him?"

Would this be an incorrect way to look at some of the things? If so holla, cuz that's where I'll start.

I'm so glad we had 3 weeks together. He SAYS he's coming to Utah to visit in October. I hope he makes it :)

....Oh and Yes, baby, you can have all the Candy you want.... it's your blood sugar. :-P

I MADE IT!!!!

That's right sports fans I made it to the ol' home town: Battle Creek.
And can I just say the traveling was pure hell! Yeah, the only way to describe it. And that's ANOTHER blog for another day.

It's absolutely Twilight zone-ish being back here. In some ways it feels like I've blocked some things and places completely out of my memory. The city has changed so much in some ways and not at all in other ways. It's like being on a different planet and running into parts of your life everyday that you've forgotten about and saying "Hey! What are you doin around here?"

So what's it like being in the old home town with Adonis? It's interesting and entertaining actually.
I'm a lost little puppy dog for the most part. Those who know me as the pit bull are prolly crackin up about now. Yeah, I absolutely feel lost and intimidated. I can feel myself going inside myself for some sort of shelter and I need to make sure that doesn't happen.

So far I've met his grandparents who are so cute and awesome. Gran is funny and there's a soothing peaceful atmosphere around Gramps. I've also met the phantom brother Dre. He sort of comes and goes like a cool breeze. I'm gonna corner him one day and just spend an hour with the boy. I'll only take up an hour though, cuz a man like that needs to be about his "bidnazz..." and who am I to take up his time?
Today is an open house for my Grandmother. Her birthday is today so we'll be venturing to her house in Albion. I'm excited to see the family. I have a neice I haven't met yet that's almost 3 years old. Wait, maybe she's 4 years old. I don't remember. I'm not excited for the Drama that almost always follows these things. Eventually you hope that people learn a dignified way to deal with drama. I doubt that's the case yet. Either way it'll be fun to introduce Adonis to the family...well at least fun for me.

I'm feeling like I'm not on my turf and that's always a little intimidating. I think I struggle most with not feeling comfortable enough to just go someplace on my own simply because I might get lost. Well, I also don't have my own transportation... or key to the building.... or the apt...! LOL.
Now I DO know why the caged bird sings. :) JUST KIDDING! I'm actually enjoying things for the most part. I think Monday I'm gonna go get some things to keep me occupied while Donis is at work though. I AM struggling with feeling unproductive. I feel like slug. That simply ain't gonna work anymore. 5 days of that is enough. Being inside most of the time is getting to me. I keep looking outside expecting to see the mountain range. IT AIN'T THERE! lol. Funny. But I love the greenery of Michigan, that I do miss. There's not too much to do off the cuff in B.C. I can't just go outside and hit a trail to hike. But I could go downtown and just check out old vacant buildings. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be allowed to explore them. And it wouldn't feel right exploring them w/o Dannielle. (remember butch cassidy's cabin?.. Hilarious).

'Donis is more of an indoor city kid: Bookstores, coffee shops, libraries, gaming, reading, tv etc.
Im pretty far from that.

I think my spirit has always been Native American: Being outside camping, swimming, hiking or exploring some canyon, cave, vacant building or cave. Or just being out in the fresh air or yard planting, weeding, grilling, or doing some craft.
Right now I have cabin fever. I like being on the run and doing. I get in trouble and depressed if I'm just left sitting to long zoning at a tv or computer or even a good book.
Funny how differenly people are wired.
I'm also the more social one of us. I'm used to having a dinner party at LEAST once a week, and friends dropping by ALWAYS. Or just walking to the store, or the gas station or the neigborhood.
It'll be interesting to see how we figure stuff out.
So I have to click back into the "Michigan Zone" and out of the "Utah Zone."
Yeah I know it sounds weird. But my brothers and sisters get what I mean.

One thing I'm pretty sure is gonna work out well. I LOVE TO COOK. HE LOVES TO EAT!
When I can't get away I cook to get out my frustrations and anxiety. I don't really eat it all ( the fridge at home is overflowing with leftovers... sorry lyn ;) So It'll be good to have someone around how will.

For the most part things are going well. I think we're getting used to each others quirks and ticks and communication styles. I know it's gonna get interesting pretty soon... I can feel it. Not sure what that means...... but I can feel it...and it prolly needs to happen, whatever it is.

Augh. Sooooooo Anyway, just a quick little update from my point of view.

Hopefully we'll all get to hear about his point of view sometimes soon.

I'll holla back in a couiple more days.

Wedding Planning Frustration

I guess it's typical protocol for the groom to dwell in the background and say "whatever you want, babe."
I'm pretty much the unconventional bride. My brothers were very much involved in the planning and executing of their weddings, I could just be a Dudley thing. I really value Adonis' and his families input. It's very much his day as well as mine. I don't have my mother or mother-in-law here in Utah for input or suggestions or council and to help take some of the pressure and repsonsiblity off my hands. My sister and daughter are here, however. It feels as if everyone else is able to just live their lives as per usual. I can only impose so much on them and the friends I have, who will basically kick in the day OF the wedding. It would be different, I guess, if I were some twenty year old whose parents were footing the bill. I put all of my $$ and energy into College for my daughter so this is a "Pay as you go wedding" with the planning of the honeymoon to this as well.
I've been trying not to use any of my paid time off from work so I can have a decent honeymoon. so that leaves me a couple hours on weekdays and trying to set up appointments with caterers and florist and photographers on the weekends. Not to mention trying to get the invitations sent out the courtesy 2 months before hand. If I want the printing place to address the envelops, they need everything sent befor the end of this week. I can have them do just the invitations and then I stuff and address them all. Not to thrilled about that. That buys me an extra week on having to have the address list immediately.

In the last week a situation has occured that's basically forced me to put all the planning on hold. Im hoping not to have to postpone or push the wedding back. I'll know for sure by the end of this week.
I think grooms have it easy. Just show up, kiss the girl and take her away like some Sports V.I.P and his trophy.

We're no closer to figuring out logistics. Who gives up the life they've build for the other? Who leaves their child/family behind? Who gives up their career/job to start all over again in a new location?
Do we get married and then figure it out, or figure it out and then get married?
These things are on my mind EVERY day. I can't pawn them off, forget about them or pretend the situation doesn't exist. I'm not sure what to do to begin to solve it. Each day is one more day closer to an unresolved situations leading up to onw of the most important events in my life that may have to be put on hold or postponed. Right now I feel as if I'm drowning.

Don't get me wrong I'm EXCITED to marry Adonis. I'm willing to do what is needed and go where needed for us to be successful as a couple and a family. Some things have just been hitting us from what feels like all sides at once. We will work through them.


The good news is I haven't hit bridezilla status. I don't think I've the energy for it. lol

Tell Me Baby... Can You Stand The Rain????

I'm clearly going to be the emotional irrational one in this relationship. I'm pretty sure he can handle it ;) *wink*

Sooooooo, I've had a high stress load lately. And I guess it all peaked on the same day and at the wrong moment. :( The man go the brunt of it. ( sorry baby!) I guess we all have those times when something that's said or done strikes you profoundly wrong... and it causes you to go off. Any other day it wouldn't have been a "thing" but for some reason on this day at this moment, the world stops and caused you to think... "what a minute! Something ain't right!" And the battle begins.

The fight starts inside of you and before you know it, it's exploded. Your mind has sounded the trump to "CHARGE" and you do, catching the other guy totally off guard and wondering.. "what in the crap is going on." The natural thing to do when someone comes at you is to defend yourself especially when caught of guard. And thus, the battle begins. When emotions run high and passion is a companion things can get a little out of hand quickly.
For me the whole day and into the next was spinning and continued to spin out of control. For him, it was just a thing and over and done with in a matter of minutes. For me I was still processing what happened and how to make sure it won't happen again. For him, he was on to the next day, new day new beginning.

So what do ya do? *sigh*


WELL....???

I got nothing. No miracle answer. The answer is: whatever works. Still not sure what that is but I AM sure I want us both to be able to express our opinions and feelings in comfort and safety.
I'm fairly confident that'll happen. I'll be the one who needs to work on it most. I haven't had to compromise really with anyone the last 20 years. I've been mom. Just me. And my household wasn't such that what I say goes, however in 20 years you've learn how to communicate with each other. This couple thing is a whole nother story for me. ( And yes, NOTHER in a word, cuz I said so :-P ) I like the couple thing. It freaks me out and scares me to death. But I found a guy I really really really like who is worth me doing what it takes to figure things out. And he's still around in spite of myself.

So I've always said I can't be with someone I've never fought with. I don't know if that was a fight. But I'm glad it happened. Cuz for me, it was all about the knowledge I learned in our communicating.
I learned a couple things about myself I'd like to change because I think it will make things better. But don't tell the man... *wink*

Time and Distance takes it's toll

I remember the exact minute last night when 20 years and 1564.77 miles landed it's punch. It was 4:06 MST. I don't know what clicked in my head but something inside of me stroked and flared up so many insecurities and it hit me like a ton of bricks: time, distance, location, communication everything that's a concern was screaming at me in my head. I felt myself shut down.

So I bailed. I jumped in my car filled up the gas tank. Even left my cell at home and headed for.... anywhere except where I was. I was on the run. Music turned up so I didn't have to think.
But you know even though you may not be able to formulate thoughts in your mind you just can't fool the heart. The heart knows EVERYTHING and it knows it before your head does most of the time. The heart is also partners with the eyes, because the heart tells the eyes to bring forth the tears so the head will start to figure it out. Some days I hate them, the heart, mind and eyes. Yesterday we all went to war: head, heart, eyes time, distance, location, communication they followed me on my 3 hour road trip. We argued, yelled, cried, reasoned, and battled it out like a good old family road trip!
I came home 3 hours later worn, weary, tired, feeling defeated. I also had 2 messages on my phone from the Man. I sort of just bailed on him for 3 hours in mid conversation i guess. I didn't bring our communication link (cell phone.) Totally not fair to him was it? I guess I had some explaining to do. What could I possibly say to him for storming off like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum? Do I tell him I miss him more than I thought I ever would?(it's only been 20 years) Do I tell him I think he's gonna leave me? Do I tell him he's too far away and he feels intangible, because I can't see him, feel, touch, or hear him? Do I tell him the 2 hour time distance gives us NO real window of time to just be together in online or via the phone and the time there is is just not enough? Am I being selfish and demanding. Do I just suck it all in, push it down and try and ignore it because there's not much either of us can do about it at this point?
What man is gonna wanna put up with unneeded emotional drama making things more complicated.
It was gonna be a long night and my heart felt like it was gonna explode.
*sigh*