COLLABORATIONS

I know it's not my fault, I did my best. God KNOWS this heart of mine could use a rest!

2009-02-22T23:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Wedding Day!

2008-09-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Today actually in 1 hour I was the day I was supposed to put on the pretty dress, change my last name, eat some cake and honeymoon.
Instead, I'm back in Utah and he's still in Michigan. I only been home a week really. Ok well if you count running off to college for 2 days I've only been back 4 days after having been away almost a month.
Bottom line, I miss the man. I miss taking him lunch, making him dinner. I miss him looking through his new glasses and then over them and marveling at the difference of how blind he really was... and then reading everything with such excitment and saying.. "I CAN SEE THAT!" like a little kid. :) I can't listen to Rhianna's "disturbia" song on the radio without laughing and singing "Scurvy Love" at the top of my lungs or finding a song where I can add cheese or some other "Adonism" to it.

For the most part it was a great trip. Going to the international Jazz fest in Detroit was a good time. There were vendors of every kind selling body butters, oils, ornaments, hats, artwork, crafts and food. I was impressed with the many different band stands all around the city with different works of Jazz music going on.
There were some characters as well, dressed up in colorful extreme costumes. At one point it looked like this bird lady was putting the moves on my man and trying to do some birdish mating dance ritual. Toward the end of the afternoon we ended up on a boat tour headed to canada, it was awesome. (Thank you, honey, for taking us.)
We spent the weekend with his Mother, brother and nephew and I enjoyed it all.

I think my favorite day is probably going to sound odd to all of you.
Where 'Donis has a tough job some days and easy job some days. When it's easy it's posh. When it's tough, I wouldn't want to do it for nothing in the world.

Anyway he had to prepare the rental property for a suprise inspection and had only about 24 hours to do it. He also had to clean out 2 abandoned apartments the day before as well. And when I say abandoned I mean furnature, clothes, food and what not, sometime electrity off and everything. So it could be quite messy and stank when this happens. His complex has 3 buildings and each building has 4 levels (I think.). There was grass to be moved, grounds to be picked up all the steps and halls in each building to be cleaned and vacuumed. Less than 24 hours to get it done.
Oh, did I mention it was 500 degrees outside? Ok maybe 85-90+ with humidity it equals 500 degrees.
I felt like a princess in the tower when he came home to change his clothes. I asked if there was anything I could do and he didn't think so nor did he expect me too. As he left i finished my breakfast. Afterwards I changed my clothes went up to the office and asked him for the vacuum.

If you know me, or anyone in my family... there's no way in the world I was about to sit around for 8 hours when I could be of some help. I asked where I could pitch in. I won't go into the details of what I ended up doing. But at the end of the day both he and I were wringing wet with sweat, filthy and stinky from head to toe and dead tired.

I loved it. I loved every minute of working WITH him that day. We weren't particularly side by side physically but I felt like we became a team that day. Instead of one of us being or needed to be the boss or in charge of the other I felt more able to be a partner with him, and that's very important to me. To be able to work side by side and know I can be of some value to him other than making meals, keeping things tidy and trying to look cute and that what I have to offer is just as important and what he has to offer, there was no greater feeling.

After working so hard I retired to the shower, told him I was taking him out to dinner. My man had worked too hard that day to have just the simply meal I had planned for dinner earlier.
We were tired and sore and tired... Did I say tired? But that day I will always cherish because that's the day I got a glimps of what we can do when we work together.
Yeah I know, sounds silly, I don't care though. There were other times I enjoyed as well and there were days I weren't to crazy about too. He loves to read and he loves his computer. I want him to be able to enjoy those things, they are a huge part of who he is. I also want him to enjoy me AS MUCH and MORE than those other things or to enjoy me BEFORE those other things.
All things in moderation.
So Adjustments, Adjustments, Adjustments! I believe if we both look at what we can do better within ourselves and take to heart the concerns of the other, things will be fine. I'm looking forward to seeing what else we can accomplish together.

Happy should have been wedding day babe.

....SIGH...

2008-09-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

That, my friends was a sigh of relief, frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, anxiety, fear, happiness, peace, elation, joy, satisfaction, expectation... you all get the hint.

Well I guess the title of his post lets you know how HE feels and probably alot of other men who are enGAGed! ;) (just kiddin babe, sort of)
I have TONS to blog about. And most of it will NEVER get blogged. Why, you ask? Because most of it is non of your business. And alot of it needs to be discussed with the man.

As far as our 3 weeks together... it was a much needed visit. I learned what I can live with and what I'm not willing to live with.

'Donis is right about us being pro's and being individuals. I've been told I'm the most comfortable single person people know. ...SIGH.... it's true. I don't feel the need to get married. When I get married it will because I want to be married. Because I have found someone who builds me up and has my back and I know it and feel it 100%. It will be because I've found someone I feel I can live with AND I can't live without. (yeah it's a rant but it's MY rant)

So I've been home 2 days and I've been on the go since I've been home. In reality I'm not even home I'm at parent's week at Utah State University being dorm mom.(yeah was home less than 24 hours then on the road again) I LOVE IT!

K so I haven't had the time to decompress and sit down and think about the visit as a whole. But when I do get home (tomorrow night) and rest up some (monday, prolly tuesday too) I'll sit down and tap into how I really feel about our time together.
Is it wrong for a part of me to think of it in terms of:
"what can being together add to my life that I can't or haven't accomplish being single?"

"am I going 2 steps backwards and 4 steps forward or 20 steps back wards and 14 steps forwards?"

"Do I feel and can I see where I've made a difference in his life for the better?"
Do I feel and can I see where he's made a difference in MY life for the better?"
"Am I missing something in my without him?"

Would this be an incorrect way to look at some of the things? If so holla, cuz that's where I'll start.

I'm so glad we had 3 weeks together. He SAYS he's coming to Utah to visit in October. I hope he makes it :)

....Oh and Yes, baby, you can have all the Candy you want.... it's your blood sugar. :-P

cornered...lol

2008-09-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

i feel like if i dont post something here soon, karyn is gonna burst so....lol

the visit is going well i think. i know its been awhile since i've had someone around me 24/7 so its taking some getting used to. i'm sure its taking some time getting used to me too lol

i think the biggest hurdle is that we are both such pros at being individuals, that it is hard to make that transaction from two seperates into one cohesive unit. so the plan is to move slow, so there is a smooth melding, not a hurried mish mash that no one is happy with.

karyn was right about me being more of a serene personality. i mean i like to break out and be wild occassionaly, but for the most part, a quiet night at home with a good book (or my laptop) is a perfect ending to the day for me. apparently this dosent work for her lol we'll work on it. i just never have felt the need to "run around" just for the sake of "running around", and my "entertaining" desires are behind me lol but i wont mind the occassional dinner party...maybe lol

in all seriousness, its going to be an ongoing learning experience, one that i am enjoying! i still have complete faith that we will succeed int his relationship...despite the odds :)

ok baby I posted...can I have some candy now? ;)

I MADE IT!!!!

2008-08-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

That's right sports fans I made it to the ol' home town: Battle Creek.
And can I just say the traveling was pure hell! Yeah, the only way to describe it. And that's ANOTHER blog for another day.

It's absolutely Twilight zone-ish being back here. In some ways it feels like I've blocked some things and places completely out of my memory. The city has changed so much in some ways and not at all in other ways. It's like being on a different planet and running into parts of your life everyday that you've forgotten about and saying "Hey! What are you doin around here?"

So what's it like being in the old home town with Adonis? It's interesting and entertaining actually.
I'm a lost little puppy dog for the most part. Those who know me as the pit bull are prolly crackin up about now. Yeah, I absolutely feel lost and intimidated. I can feel myself going inside myself for some sort of shelter and I need to make sure that doesn't happen.

So far I've met his grandparents who are so cute and awesome. Gran is funny and there's a soothing peaceful atmosphere around Gramps. I've also met the phantom brother Dre. He sort of comes and goes like a cool breeze. I'm gonna corner him one day and just spend an hour with the boy. I'll only take up an hour though, cuz a man like that needs to be about his "bidnazz..." and who am I to take up his time?
Today is an open house for my Grandmother. Her birthday is today so we'll be venturing to her house in Albion. I'm excited to see the family. I have a neice I haven't met yet that's almost 3 years old. Wait, maybe she's 4 years old. I don't remember. I'm not excited for the Drama that almost always follows these things. Eventually you hope that people learn a dignified way to deal with drama. I doubt that's the case yet. Either way it'll be fun to introduce Adonis to the family...well at least fun for me.

I'm feeling like I'm not on my turf and that's always a little intimidating. I think I struggle most with not feeling comfortable enough to just go someplace on my own simply because I might get lost. Well, I also don't have my own transportation... or key to the building.... or the apt...! LOL.
Now I DO know why the caged bird sings. :) JUST KIDDING! I'm actually enjoying things for the most part. I think Monday I'm gonna go get some things to keep me occupied while Donis is at work though. I AM struggling with feeling unproductive. I feel like slug. That simply ain't gonna work anymore. 5 days of that is enough. Being inside most of the time is getting to me. I keep looking outside expecting to see the mountain range. IT AIN'T THERE! lol. Funny. But I love the greenery of Michigan, that I do miss. There's not too much to do off the cuff in B.C. I can't just go outside and hit a trail to hike. But I could go downtown and just check out old vacant buildings. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be allowed to explore them. And it wouldn't feel right exploring them w/o Dannielle. (remember butch cassidy's cabin?.. Hilarious).

'Donis is more of an indoor city kid: Bookstores, coffee shops, libraries, gaming, reading, tv etc.
Im pretty far from that.

I think my spirit has always been Native American: Being outside camping, swimming, hiking or exploring some canyon, cave, vacant building or cave. Or just being out in the fresh air or yard planting, weeding, grilling, or doing some craft.
Right now I have cabin fever. I like being on the run and doing. I get in trouble and depressed if I'm just left sitting to long zoning at a tv or computer or even a good book.
Funny how differenly people are wired.
I'm also the more social one of us. I'm used to having a dinner party at LEAST once a week, and friends dropping by ALWAYS. Or just walking to the store, or the gas station or the neigborhood.
It'll be interesting to see how we figure stuff out.
So I have to click back into the "Michigan Zone" and out of the "Utah Zone."
Yeah I know it sounds weird. But my brothers and sisters get what I mean.

One thing I'm pretty sure is gonna work out well. I LOVE TO COOK. HE LOVES TO EAT!
When I can't get away I cook to get out my frustrations and anxiety. I don't really eat it all ( the fridge at home is overflowing with leftovers... sorry lyn ;) So It'll be good to have someone around how will.

For the most part things are going well. I think we're getting used to each others quirks and ticks and communication styles. I know it's gonna get interesting pretty soon... I can feel it. Not sure what that means...... but I can feel it...and it prolly needs to happen, whatever it is.

Augh. Sooooooo Anyway, just a quick little update from my point of view.

Hopefully we'll all get to hear about his point of view sometimes soon.

I'll holla back in a couiple more days.

HOLD PLEASE!

2008-08-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Hold Please" means SOOOOO many things to me right now. It's what experienced on the phones. It's what I want big daddy to do when I see him. But in this particular case, it's the status of the wedding. We're on hold. Not cancelled. Just postponed, on hold.

I don't even know where to start, really. There has been an obscene amount of craziness happening since finding each other. Under normal circumstances things would be tolerable.
For whatever reason, this summer, the oddest, most complicated situations have gang jumped us.
To be quite honest, I've fallen apart a time or two. Thank goodness I'm immediately surrounded by an amazing support group, and some crazy guy in Michigan who allows me to have my moments and is still standing there for me when the smoke clears. I really should be nicer to the guy, I owe him big time on some stuff. ;)
Anyway, 'Donis is very wise. I know it wasn't really easy for him to approach me about postponing. In my state of mind I could either flip out... or I could flip out. Seriously, even if it IS a good idea, who wants to say to their fiance or even hear them say... "maybe we shouldn't do this right now.."
In our case it needed to be done. I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to disappoint him or give him the idea that I didn't want to be his wife. I'm pretty sure he was thinking along those lines in my case as well. I love the fact that we were on the same page. He wanted to alleviate my immediate stress and anxiety. The other things that were going on I had no control over them happening. We did have control over the wedding though so it made since to adjust it. We need time for the situations around us to settle down and stabilize. And we need time to just marinate in stank of togetherness.

Before things were such that we were pressed for time. Our employment situations didn't really allow us to take time off work w/o putting our employment status in danger. I think one of the blessings in disguise on my end is now I have some time to do that. I'll be flying out to Michigan for 2-3 weeks to spend time with Adonis and his family. ( Oh, and my family too.) In some ways I forget I'm going home, the place where I was born and raised. It's cool that when I think of home, I think of Adonis first. Neato~!
Sooooooo, that's sort of what's going on. I'm proud of how we're handling things, it's not been easy. I'm amazed at our willingness to figure things out and our desire to try and accommodate when things are miscommunicated. I'll step up and say most of this was my fault. I've been impatient, confused, and a little bit crazy.
If there were more of my fiance I could sell him and be rich!
Actually I guess we could make more of him.... but that's a different blog for a different time... So maybe we'll discuss THAT after the honeymoon? ;)

He's Just So Groovy!!!!

2008-07-09T03:34:00.000-07:00

My husband to be is "da bomb" and I'm the whole "shabang." We're going to be an explosive match.
*yeah, I know that's a groaner, but so what it's my blog*

I love that he thinks he's going to wear crocks and sag to the wedding! He better not, but I think it's funny and he'll prolly actually try to.

Sometimes he uses big words I've never heard before and I have to look them up to find out what the crap he's talking about. It makes me laugh at myself.

I have 2 wedding dresses and instead of freakin out about how utterly crazy that is... even to me.. he said... wear one at the ceremony and the other at the reception! Aww! That made me stop feeling foolish about buying the 2nd one :)

When I asked him if we were doing traditional vows or our own... he said he was gonna rap his over the instrumental of "my posse's on broadway." (this still cracks me up!)

I told him I wanted a chicken wing bar and a smoothie bar for the reception and he's down with that!
I said I was gonna pinch him to make sure he was real. He said he was gonna bite me cuz he heard love taste like chicken. (we both like chicken)

When I said to him "what are you gonna do with a night owl wife?" and he said... "tell her goodnight!" lol

I have 2 messages on my phone of him singing to me :) That is EPIC!

My father showed up in town on his door step to check him out and he handled it flawlessly. My parents shock tactics dont phase him one bit.

His family feels like some of the missing pieces to my family and that's really cooliosis.

Him understands me gobbly goop tongue tied words n stuff.

We got us some smart daughters. (I bet they don't have to look up them big ole words lol)

He gets over stuff really fast with no grudges where it may take me a day or two.

On valentine's day I asked him if he was gonna be my valentine and he said "always."

He speaks some french. I don't understand it, but it's HOT!

He makes me laugh, shows me love, and feels like home.

Wedding Planning Frustration

2008-06-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

I guess it's typical protocol for the groom to dwell in the background and say "whatever you want, babe."
I'm pretty much the unconventional bride. My brothers were very much involved in the planning and executing of their weddings, I could just be a Dudley thing. I really value Adonis' and his families input. It's very much his day as well as mine. I don't have my mother or mother-in-law here in Utah for input or suggestions or council and to help take some of the pressure and repsonsiblity off my hands. My sister and daughter are here, however. It feels as if everyone else is able to just live their lives as per usual. I can only impose so much on them and the friends I have, who will basically kick in the day OF the wedding. It would be different, I guess, if I were some twenty year old whose parents were footing the bill. I put all of my $$ and energy into College for my daughter so this is a "Pay as you go wedding" with the planning of the honeymoon to this as well.
I've been trying not to use any of my paid time off from work so I can have a decent honeymoon. so that leaves me a couple hours on weekdays and trying to set up appointments with caterers and florist and photographers on the weekends. Not to mention trying to get the invitations sent out the courtesy 2 months before hand. If I want the printing place to address the envelops, they need everything sent befor the end of this week. I can have them do just the invitations and then I stuff and address them all. Not to thrilled about that. That buys me an extra week on having to have the address list immediately.

In the last week a situation has occured that's basically forced me to put all the planning on hold. Im hoping not to have to postpone or push the wedding back. I'll know for sure by the end of this week.
I think grooms have it easy. Just show up, kiss the girl and take her away like some Sports V.I.P and his trophy.

We're no closer to figuring out logistics. Who gives up the life they've build for the other? Who leaves their child/family behind? Who gives up their career/job to start all over again in a new location?
Do we get married and then figure it out, or figure it out and then get married?
These things are on my mind EVERY day. I can't pawn them off, forget about them or pretend the situation doesn't exist. I'm not sure what to do to begin to solve it. Each day is one more day closer to an unresolved situations leading up to onw of the most important events in my life that may have to be put on hold or postponed. Right now I feel as if I'm drowning.

Don't get me wrong I'm EXCITED to marry Adonis. I'm willing to do what is needed and go where needed for us to be successful as a couple and a family. Some things have just been hitting us from what feels like all sides at once. We will work through them.

The good news is I haven't hit bridezilla status. I don't think I've the energy for it. lol

Logistics II

2008-06-11T12:08:00.001-07:00

"It would be easy if you were homeless and w/o a job, then I'd just come get you!"

He made me laugh when he said that! But then I got bitter about the times when when I had sucky jobs and was almost homeless.

I think the main things, well at least fo me are stability & family. I have family in both places. I'm most concerned about the stability of employment and all that comes with it: health insurance, retirement and such.

I want us to be where we will both be most successful as a couple. Because the more successful we both are, the better position we'll be in to take care of ourselves and any immediate family when/if the need arises. If we're struggling and barely getting by, then we become an added burdon to the families.

When I say successful I don't necessarily mean making lots of money. Success if measured in many things.

We Mormon's have a saying that rings most true for me:

No amount of success [in the world]can compensate for failure in the home.

I've seen "successful" business people ride to the top in their company as their families fall apart in the home. I've seen poor and strugglings families as some of the happiest and most joyful I've ever experienced however I've also seen them become burdons to those around them. I think we're looking for a balance.

I believe we both realize our first responsibility is to each other and our kids.

Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.

( guess that's me!)

Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleve unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I know some of you... ok one of you (cough-jay-coughcough) mentioned to me about "submitting" to and obeying my husband.

Let me just say THIS about that:

Colossians 3:18-19 reads, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

Ephesians 5:22-29 (excerpts) says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...(25), Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her... husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies..."

"Headship" means that God has called the man to lead his home—and will therefore hold him personally responsible for what goes on in his home. The emphasis is on responsibility and accountability, not on authority and power.”

I too will be accountable for my partnering abilities. Submit means more of a willingness. And Im pretty sure Adonis knows me well enough to know I can tell unrighteous dominion when I see it. And I know him well enough to know he's not the unrighteous dominion type.

There are times when a wife cannot submit when it means relinquishing God's standards . Which is not the case here.

I'm just makin sure Y'all know, that I know that WE don't have it twisted.

I'm certain we will end up exactly where we should and be a great blessing to each other, our families and which ever community we call home.

Logistics, logistics, logisitics...

2008-06-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

So....
The big question that looms over our heads (among the other 40 dozen or so) is where are "we" going to live? Who is going to move? At this point the answer is... we dont know. That being said, I don't think we are stressing about it too much either. We both have faith that the Lord will help us work it out, and I have have faith in Karyn. I have a feeling she will make it work, one way or the other LOL

There's pros & cons for either move. I wont go into my reasons here, as most of them are pretty personal and I'm not ready to share them with the general populace yet. Karyn has her reasons to stay in Utah also. Whatever the reasons, I know they are not insurmountable. Our relationship may not be traditional (lol) but it has solid foundations and lots of support. Jesus is our rock... and we are rockstars! :)

I Know There Seems To be Not Much....!

2008-04-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

I've been getting your emails and texts about "not much collaborating on Collaborations." And you're right. So I decided to answer some of you questions since you're all asking basically the same ones. I'm gonna just roll out the answers and from them you should be able to figure out the questions :)

No, We aren't collabing because we stopped talking to each other.

No, there was no sort of break up.

Yes, we are still very much in contact.

I'm confident when he has something to collab about he'll do it.

No, we still haven't been in each other's presence.

Yeah, I'm a little nervous to see him again, it's been 20 years.

Looks like he'll end up in Utah, No I'm not sure when.

I'll let him make any public announcements as he sees fit.

Scared??? Not unless he turns into a great big Spider or Tarantula!!!!

YES I AM POSITIVE.

Plenty of discussions, and disagreements. Fights.... meh. Speaking for me it's all knowlege and the divine opportunity to flex, bend and grow.

I've known him longer than I've known most of you. Even after 20 years.

Pointer! lol!

1 daughter each. Both beautiful and brilliant :) We got's us sum smart kidz

What do our PARENTS think???? ( wanna field that one babe?)

Workin on it * ;)

a "couple" of what? lol! Yes we're a couple.

Did I leave anything out?

the Woa-man!

Somebody Tried to Make Me A Widow...

2008-04-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

I got a phone call yesterday morning about 9:50.

"Hey baby, What's up?" I say
"Well nothing... NOW!" said the man
"Now? Something was up before?" I respond.
"Actually... yes" he said.

sort of went through what could actually go wrong...
Week one, sewer backing up into the apartments
Week two, calling the cops for drug use of tenants
week three, court and evictions
week four, Nothing too much going on
Week five, Snowed in at the office
Week six, two of the units catch fire
Week Seven, TBA

Seriously what else could go wrong? Just about anything that can go wrong already has, right?

Yeah... not so much. Ok back to our phone conversation:

"Actually... yes" he said.
"what was up earlier" I said... a little peak in my curiosity.
"well" he said.... " I don't want you to freak out or anything...."

HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE!

Ladies are those not prime choice words to let you know that something happened and you're about to freak out? Yeah, that line just has "FREAK THE HELL OUT" all over it!

Ok back to the convo... :
"Actually... yes" he said. "but remember those 2 tenants I told you I had to evict last week?"
"I remember" I said.
"one went smoothly, no problems. The other we thought was going ok. But the lady who got evicted this morning, pulled out an gun and shot a me .... I'm fine luckily I...."

"WHAT???" I said?
Hold up. Hold up. HOLD UP! The rest of the conversation was fuzzy after that. I'm not sure what I said. I could hear him say something about... "police are looking for her, they have the k-9 unit here trying to track her... blah... blah... blah..."

I seriously don't know what he really said after that. It's like my mind left me for the rest of the day.

I couldn't tell you what I responded. I wanted details, more details. Next thing I know he had to go and talk to the police again he said he's call me later so we ended the call.
I held the phone for about 10 minutes. I felt it was the ONLY link I had to talking with the man. Tears silently rolled down my cheek. I bowed my head and said a prayer of thanks for protecting him.
Most of the day I did my thing in silence. No radio, tv or any thing. I needed to sit in stillness and quiet because I couldn't wrap my head around the fact someone tried to make me a widow before I've even become a wife. I'm just not cool with that. My mind was reeling:

What if she comes back and tried to finish him off?
Am I supposed to be ok with him walking into the office tomorrow after all this?
There's ALOT going on with his job in just 6 weeks Is God trying to point him in another direction?

I let the assurance from the Holy Spirit of the Lord speak to my heart that everything was ok.
It would be another 5 hours before I heard from him.
By this time he was business as usual. One thing about The Man... he's very good about leaving things of the passed in the passed. For him, it was over and done with, time to move on. I really admire that about him, that he can let go and move on so easily. I'm hoping some of it rubs off. I'll worry every day if some psycho is going to try and knock him off.
*sigh* There's not much I can do about it. Apparently I have no say so in the matter. And I have very little influence being on the west coast and all.

This love stuff is difficult. You start to think in terms of WE instead of me and US instead of I. Yesterday I realized in a while my life will not be just my own. What happens to me will effect the family. The choices I make good or bad will effect the man. The choices he will make effects me. It matters. It should. Because if I didn't care so much it wouldn't matter, right? RIGHT!

All that being said, the Man is just fine. Went to work today without incident. (or at least I haven't been told of any. I'll check his other blogs later for the omitted details ;)

I didn't realize how much I loved him until the scenario of possibly losing him surfaced.

Be careful out there baby.

Tell Me Baby... Can You Stand The Rain????

2008-03-20T15:34:00.001-07:00

I'm clearly going to be the emotional irrational one in this relationship. I'm pretty sure he can handle it ;) *wink*

Sooooooo, I've had a high stress load lately. And I guess it all peaked on the same day and at the wrong moment. :( The man go the brunt of it. ( sorry baby!) I guess we all have those times when something that's said or done strikes you profoundly wrong... and it causes you to go off. Any other day it wouldn't have been a "thing" but for some reason on this day at this moment, the world stops and caused you to think... "what a minute! Something ain't right!" And the battle begins.

The fight starts inside of you and before you know it, it's exploded. Your mind has sounded the trump to "CHARGE" and you do, catching the other guy totally off guard and wondering.. "what in the crap is going on." The natural thing to do when someone comes at you is to defend yourself especially when caught of guard. And thus, the battle begins. When emotions run high and passion is a companion things can get a little out of hand quickly.
For me the whole day and into the next was spinning and continued to spin out of control. For him, it was just a thing and over and done with in a matter of minutes. For me I was still processing what happened and how to make sure it won't happen again. For him, he was on to the next day, new day new beginning.

So what do ya do? *sigh*

WELL....???

I got nothing. No miracle answer. The answer is: whatever works. Still not sure what that is but I AM sure I want us both to be able to express our opinions and feelings in comfort and safety.
I'm fairly confident that'll happen. I'll be the one who needs to work on it most. I haven't had to compromise really with anyone the last 20 years. I've been mom. Just me. And my household wasn't such that what I say goes, however in 20 years you've learn how to communicate with each other. This couple thing is a whole nother story for me. ( And yes, NOTHER in a word, cuz I said so :-P ) I like the couple thing. It freaks me out and scares me to death. But I found a guy I really really really like who is worth me doing what it takes to figure things out. And he's still around in spite of myself.

So I've always said I can't be with someone I've never fought with. I don't know if that was a fight. But I'm glad it happened. Cuz for me, it was all about the knowledge I learned in our communicating.
I learned a couple things about myself I'd like to change because I think it will make things better. But don't tell the man... *wink*

Time and Distance II

2008-03-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

I had to step away from my last post and regroup.

I thought it was going to be a long night that night but it ended up not being long enough.

I left off at me returning home after feeling the need to be alone. I could tell by my phone messages the man was concerned. Possibly about the effects of him back in my life was having on me. And that's valid, that was a huge part of it. But my reaction to things were showing him the opposite of what was really going on inside. He mentioned being sorry for any sadness and turmoil he was causing. In actuality he came and turned my world right side up! When someone comes and turns your world in the right direction, it hurts like a mutha to be apart from them. Doesn't matter if it's already been a couple of decades. My heart was feeling every one of them years. I apologized for running off and bailing. And was ready to leave it at that and just suck it in and "woman up" about the situation. I was doing well until he asked me

"what's wrong."

I could just brush it off or I could come clean. hmmmmm.......!

I came clean.

*Note. I can be pretty tight lipped about my needs and insecurities. I'm typically quick to lay blame on people for what I think they could do better in terms of communicating with me*

I just spilled everything I was insecure and frustrated about.

He understood. He listened. He calmed me down and eased those fears. He convinced me everything was going to be ok and is willing to do what is needed to secure those insecurites.

Couldn't ask for more than that. But what he did in reality was give me SO much more than that.

I feel as if I can come to him in any condition and KNOW that I will be well cared for. I can only say that about 2 or 3 other people in my life. I know that I will be listened to, taken seriously and be safe emotionally. It's a bit overwhelming when you don't feel you've really had that in certain depths before.

I am pleased with how he handled me, it was perfect almost like 2nd nature. I feel as if he's studied me for years and figured me out. It really is an amazing feeling.

About once a week I may get this overwhelming feeling of being too far apart. But he always does something to bridge that gap. I don't think he realizes it but he does.

As long as he keeps building those bridges to me, I'll cross over those bridges to him.

He's my heart.

Time and Distance takes it's toll

2008-02-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

I remember the exact minute last night when 20 years and 1564.77 miles landed it's punch. It was 4:06 MST. I don't know what clicked in my head but something inside of me stroked and flared up so many insecurities and it hit me like a ton of bricks: time, distance, location, communication everything that's a concern was screaming at me in my head. I felt myself shut down.

So I bailed. I jumped in my car filled up the gas tank. Even left my cell at home and headed for.... anywhere except where I was. I was on the run. Music turned up so I didn't have to think.
But you know even though you may not be able to formulate thoughts in your mind you just can't fool the heart. The heart knows EVERYTHING and it knows it before your head does most of the time. The heart is also partners with the eyes, because the heart tells the eyes to bring forth the tears so the head will start to figure it out. Some days I hate them, the heart, mind and eyes. Yesterday we all went to war: head, heart, eyes time, distance, location, communication they followed me on my 3 hour road trip. We argued, yelled, cried, reasoned, and battled it out like a good old family road trip!
I came home 3 hours later worn, weary, tired, feeling defeated. I also had 2 messages on my phone from the Man. I sort of just bailed on him for 3 hours in mid conversation i guess. I didn't bring our communication link (cell phone.) Totally not fair to him was it? I guess I had some explaining to do. What could I possibly say to him for storming off like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum? Do I tell him I miss him more than I thought I ever would?(it's only been 20 years) Do I tell him I think he's gonna leave me? Do I tell him he's too far away and he feels intangible, because I can't see him, feel, touch, or hear him? Do I tell him the 2 hour time distance gives us NO real window of time to just be together in online or via the phone and the time there is is just not enough? Am I being selfish and demanding. Do I just suck it all in, push it down and try and ignore it because there's not much either of us can do about it at this point?
What man is gonna wanna put up with unneeded emotional drama making things more complicated.
It was gonna be a long night and my heart felt like it was gonna explode.
*sigh*

The Addams Family???? click! click!

2008-02-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

My Alter Ego???

I'm texting The man this morning as per routine: "Good morning, have a good day, love you.. b lah blah blah.." u know the bleary eyed early morning usual.

He told me I probably wouldn't hear much from him today because he was doing some training. My heart sank a little but not too much.

So I said "tell me you love me and I'd be ok with that. " You know how we women are... trying to see what limits we can push for the day. I was partially joking expecting a " girl, you know i do." or "of course."

I must say this: anything I've asked of the man has more than EXCEEDED my expectations. It's all been above and beyond and I don't think he even tries, it feels like the most natural thing in the world for him to go above and beyond my expectations just by simply existing.

Ok to some of you, this is going to be a "Roll eyes insert GAG moment" but I don't care, it's my blog. You can leave now and try again next week if you don't like it. :-P

Anyway, back to my story. About 10 minutes after I sent him my request I got a text back.
"Te Amor" Awwwwwww Spanish! I liked it. It made my heart flip! That's nice.

A few minutes after that I got this message: "Je T'aime Vous :)"

NO WAY, FRENCH! THAT IS FRENCH! I thought I had to sit down.
Ok now keep in mind I'm a pretty rough cut girl. Not butch or anything, a little tomboyish with some jock mixed in but I tend to clean up pretty well and know when to be a woman. I'm clumbsy, clutsy, awkward and I would bumble THE MOST romantic moments if given the chance.

I saw that French and I don't know WHAT happened to me! The funny thing is I work for an international company and hear french accents all the time. They bother me because there is usually an amount of arrogance behind them. It's typical for me to roll my eyes and groan inwardly when I encounter that accent.

But OH .MY. FREAKIN. GOODNESS! I have been on Cloud 9, 10 AND 11 ALL today.

I turned into Morticia from the Addams family. Who knew the man could spit mad game IN FRENCH! Gotta tell ya, ladies, I'm feeling mighty blessed right now!

Yesterday he said those magic words I've been waiting for a man to say to me all my adult life:
"Baby, you cook and I'll do the dishes!" That's sooooooo Hot and Sexy to me!
That, my friends is a DONE DEAL!

OH MAN! I wonder if I can get him to say it in FRENCH!?????
(I'd prolly faint)

Publish Post

there's this one thing....

2008-02-24T11:29:00.000-08:00

ok...first of all let me just be honest. i'm a technology geek. love it in all of its forms. but when it comes to cellphones, i am a total slut. i will drop my current plan/phone in a heartbeat for the next latest and greatest. i cant help it. i wonder if dr. phil covers cellphone addiction?

In the previous post, a certain girl (who arrived back in my life to remind me of what is good and valued in my life) wondered about the phone i want. it's alot of phone, but trust me when i say i will use all of its many functions. notice how i'm totally ignoring the juicy part where she was pondering the SERIOUSNESS of our budding relationship? LOL maybe i should just leave you hanging awhile... maybe save it for another post... another day..... LOL

i wouldn't do that.

well... actually i would....

but i wont *grin*

i see it like this. i have never been in a relationship that made me want to include her in every aspect of my life before. until now. is that serious enough for ya? how about this.... i have never had a relationship before that made me want to be more than i am. until now. i have never been in a relationship that made me want to put her first in my life. until now.

is that serious? it may be...

When You Start Analyzing the Phone Plans It Must Be Serious.

2008-02-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

I've watched several of my friends encounter long distance relationships. In the beginning they would text and email and keep in contact in those ways. And then eventually, they would disappear for a couple of weeks. In the weeks of disappearance our mutual friends and myself would analyze the pattern: "hey, we haven't heard from or seen you in a couple of weeks." or " every time i talk to her/him they have to catch the other line." Or..... "you've fallen off the face of the earth, did you need some help getting back on?"

Jokes aside when they did emerge it there was always a similar pattern: They emerged with a new cell phone plan. It got to the point when we did finally see them again we'd just simply say..."which plan are you on now!?" One of my friends actually had a 2nd phone. I used to crack me up!

***UNTIL****
I looked at my phone bill yesterday. *ouch!* When I looked at it again last night I went and got the band aides and a lortab. I changed my phone number back in January. I had dated a guy about 8 months. This was 3 years ago. Haven't actually laid eyes on the boy in 3 years. Yet every once in a while he'd get graphic via the cell phone. I would just typically ignore it. Except over Christmas. I accidentally sent a return text. I thought I was returning another person's text. I happened to be the address of a townhouse I was planning on moving into in April. For a solid week my phone flipped out. was getting several HUNDRED texts and voice mails each day.
Finally I changed the number. Changing the number is a hassle, true, but this... THIS had to stop.
Ever notice how when you do adjustments to your cellular plan it's never just a 1 and done situation? I get the number changes, and I also qualify for a new phone as does my daughter. Mine was free, hers was $20. Not bad, we both got what we wanted. I got one with MP3 capabilities to that's awesome I'm happy with it. And of course with that is another additional service charge Oh, and I had to increase my texts to unlimited so again... another added service charge, fine no problem this is all going to save me some duckets in the long run right? RIGHT!

Then there's the non network texts that have blasted my 500 limit out of the water from one various regular friends but then there's a new friend on the east coast on network "A" oh... oh... OH... and MOST IMPORTANTLY some guy from high school crashing back through my life after a couple of decades who I think I'll keep around for a while, we can't forget him on network "H." So needless to say with all the drama of the last month and me not paying attention my phone bill is pretty high this month.

******Sooooo!****
With that being said The man did the research on moving from his plan/network over to mine.
I think it's a go. I saw that CRAZY phone he wants, my goodness guys, why can't it just be a phone? Or if you're going to get a phone that does everything...... AND I MEAN EVERYTHING..... then get a phone that will do my dishes for me. Anyway we've been looking at phone plans..... so it MUST BE SERIOUS!